Beautiful girl. You beautiful girl. I know it’s hard for you to see yourself that way. Beautiful isn’t a word that brushes your ears often but god I am so sorry because you deserved to hear that word every god damn day of your life.
I apologize because as I grew, you shrank. You wanted a big city. You wanted bright lights. You wanted red lips. You wanted spotlights flooding every inch of your untouched skin. Warmth. You had a different name. A different face. A different life than mine. But you were scared. I still look in the mirror some days and I can see a glimmer of a scared little girl. Bawled fists holding paperclips and mouth full of jumbled letters. Confused.
I am sorry because I do not want all the things you wanted. I am sorry because somedays I feel like this vessel does not reflect me but reflect you. I am sorry because I have done things to this body that you would be ashamed of. I am sorry because most days I feel like I’m a visitor in this skin. It belonged to you first. I knocked down your sturdy foundation so I could be here and most days now I don’t want to be here.
I want a big mountain. I want coffee in the morning. I want bare faced. bare boned. I have scuffed skin. I have bruised knees. I have an ice cold excuse of a heart in my chest. I want to fade into my bedrooms walls. I do not want to stand out anymore. You did. You lived for that. I don’t.
You did not have to worry about stepping outside into a world that wasn’t built for you. You don’t try to wash yourself clean three times a day trying to remove all the dust and grime that has settled onto you. You were a light. You had wings. Big beautiful wings that made everyone stop and stare. You were the sun. The god damn sun.
I’m sorry because in order to try to create myself I have killed most of who you are. I don’t speak your name. Half of the people who know me never knew you. Never knew what you went through and everyone you knew are all ghosts in my head reminding me this body wasn’t mine.
There are days I think you try to come back but you are long gone. Maybe that’s why existing feels so wrong. When you were born I was nothing but a spark buried deep down inside and now you are a fading flicker of a flame inside of me. You were full and I am hollow. I have only existed such a short time and I still haven’t grown into myself yet.
I am sorry that I took away all you wanted. I’m sorry because you were happy. I’m sorry because I should be happy but I’m not. I’m sorry because if you saw me now you wouldn’t recognize me. I used to be ashamed of you and now I realize trying to forget about you, trying to pretend you never existed doesn’t mean you never did. Just because everyone else never knew you doesn’t mean I wasn’t you. It doesn’t mean you weren’t important. You were so important beautiful girl.
Beautiful girl. All that remains of you. Somedays I need you to remind me that I belong. Teach me how to be the sun again. I’ve been so cloudy recently.
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