“Why do you write sad things?” is one of the hardest
questions I’ve always been asked.
I’m just trying, you know? Day by day, second by second, I’m trying to keep myself together.
How could I answer that? How could I tell you that all I have is sadness, and all I can share to the world is sadness? How could I tell you that every time I get a little glimpse of happiness, I always just save it for myself, keeping it close to my heart, memorizing every details and feelings, and not writing it down because writing it down feels a lot like giving it away, like I am letting that little happiness go. How could I tell you that I write sad things to purge it out from my system? That it is impossible to write sad things without sadness consuming you to the core to the point that all you can do is to bleed it out on the paper. How could I tell you that? That I write sad things to let it out, hoping that one day it would never come back, that maybe one day, I will finally succeed in writing all my sadness away.
Do you know that feeling when you just want to hide under the blankets and pillows and sleep deeply and never ever woke up? Can someone wake me up when my heart stops breaking into pieces? Can I just sleep forever and concoct my own dreams and live happily ever after? Can someone wake me up when the world rights itself and everything is already blissfully happy? Can someone, just anyone please put me to sleep? I just want to sleep forever, heart beating, mind wandering, soul at peace. And no, I don’t want to die. See? There’s that tiny hairline difference.I wake up every morning not knowing what the day will bring. That seems like a dumb statement since no one can predict the future, but I am meaning it in a way that I don’t know what you will do today. Will today finally be the day that you look at me. The day that you finally realize how much you hurt me. The day that you realize that all the things I told you I didn’t want to happen to us, happened. Or will today be the day that I finally completely let you go. The day that I decide to let myself quit thinking about you. The day that I find someone to replace you. While I am unsure of what the future will bring for us. I do know that you are doing your thing and I’m doing mine, and I am happy. Or as happy as I can be.
Today I walked through the falling snow down the old cobblestone path. It was cold. It was bitter. And I wished nothing more than for you to be there. I knew you never would be. Because I know you’d be at home watching the same snow fall and wondering the same words as I; “why won’t anyone just love me?”
„I was an open wound bleeding on everything, my life is so fucked up, that it isn’t normal for me to go with a day without feeling any kind of pain.“
I’m just trying, you know? Day by day, second by second, I’m trying to keep myself together.
How could I answer that? How could I tell you that all I have is sadness, and all I can share to the world is sadness? How could I tell you that every time I get a little glimpse of happiness, I always just save it for myself, keeping it close to my heart, memorizing every details and feelings, and not writing it down because writing it down feels a lot like giving it away, like I am letting that little happiness go. How could I tell you that I write sad things to purge it out from my system? That it is impossible to write sad things without sadness consuming you to the core to the point that all you can do is to bleed it out on the paper. How could I tell you that? That I write sad things to let it out, hoping that one day it would never come back, that maybe one day, I will finally succeed in writing all my sadness away.
Do you know that feeling when you just want to hide under the blankets and pillows and sleep deeply and never ever woke up? Can someone wake me up when my heart stops breaking into pieces? Can I just sleep forever and concoct my own dreams and live happily ever after? Can someone wake me up when the world rights itself and everything is already blissfully happy? Can someone, just anyone please put me to sleep? I just want to sleep forever, heart beating, mind wandering, soul at peace. And no, I don’t want to die. See? There’s that tiny hairline difference.I wake up every morning not knowing what the day will bring. That seems like a dumb statement since no one can predict the future, but I am meaning it in a way that I don’t know what you will do today. Will today finally be the day that you look at me. The day that you finally realize how much you hurt me. The day that you realize that all the things I told you I didn’t want to happen to us, happened. Or will today be the day that I finally completely let you go. The day that I decide to let myself quit thinking about you. The day that I find someone to replace you. While I am unsure of what the future will bring for us. I do know that you are doing your thing and I’m doing mine, and I am happy. Or as happy as I can be.
Today I walked through the falling snow down the old cobblestone path. It was cold. It was bitter. And I wished nothing more than for you to be there. I knew you never would be. Because I know you’d be at home watching the same snow fall and wondering the same words as I; “why won’t anyone just love me?”
„I was an open wound bleeding on everything, my life is so fucked up, that it isn’t normal for me to go with a day without feeling any kind of pain.“
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